Thursday, July 12, 2007

The last of the last...

It took me a while to realize that keeping anything from friends or loved ones is bad. In fact, it makes the scenario worse than the original action. Simply put, non-disclosure makes the event a "secret" - which in turn elevates the significance.

I had/have some bad habits and still do have issues with control on occasion. With this in mind, I have always been comfortable accepting blame and hold myself accountable for all my actions.

As timing would have it, a three year old event has surfaced to create quite a rift. This comes at a time in my life when i should simply be celebrating with my wife and newborn son. At the time of its occurrence, the issue was simply not discussed or brought up when it should have been. The end result was to "not worry about it" for its "lack of significance and meaning". I do firmly believe that the event had no meaning and was simply a drunken moment of which I could draw similar parallels that were rift-free, but that's not the point. While I wasn't entirely comfortable with this outcome, I'm sure I agreed at the time as I hadn't learned the true power of non-disclosure yet and assumed (based on the situation) that the decision was best for all involved.

The event in question was benign enough (although this could easily be argued), but left to rot with time it has gained much more traction and weight. The damage potential for those closest to me is still in process and is incredibly raw all the way around.

I can see how it crosses lines of trust, loyalty, and commitment. I can see how it could be viewed as a simple one-off that wasn't meant to harm and had no additional significance. I can see how it is seen as selfish. I can see how it has fractured my relationships. I can see everything now, but I am wearing a different lens.

While there is much work to be done I have come away with a new appreciation for my wife and my relationship to her. The recounting of details has made me realize that it is simply wrong to put anything else (or anyone else's feelings) before hers. I have always assumed that my wife has a large amount of strength. This strength comes through in support, rationalization of circumstances, and the ability to work through situations in an admirable, positive way. That being said, I can not assume that she is not affected by the details of my life - regardless of how far back they occurred.

She asked me "what else do i have to confess?". I can honestly say that through the last 4+ years I have learned a great deal about myself, what my limits are, what I should be, and who I am becoming. I trust my wife implicitly and can see that through my legacy actions and learnings that I am riding the "trust" fence. I can only hope that a mixture of time and patience with me proves *this* to be the last of the last.

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